LETTER 4X

Dear So and So,

I hope this package finds you in a comfortable state of calm and well being. With some time to myself as well I have had the opportunity to think this through and arrive at some sense and meaning to our experience together as it relates to the bigger picture of what we were doing.

First and foremost, our best. We put our best feet forward truly. Secondly, finding happiness in each other, understanding what a nice gift we were given. The rest is, well, timing really.

If we were to try this after you have had a significant separation from your wife (post divorce) or if I had been in that place where I want to help someone climb from such a complex situation then we could have been a perfect fit. But I'm not in that place. I've been there in my last relationship and it is much too draining to go through again.

What you wanted more than anything from me is reassurance. Well, honey, let me tell you, when it comes to matters of the heart there is no reassurance except the kind that comes through the test of time. What you got from me was tons of reassurance in the form of always being available. Sharing your hobbies with you. Helping you out where I could. and most importantly the fact that I made an exception for you despite TWO big risks I was undertaking. You still being married AND you working for the same employer. I don't think there is anything comparable you had done as a form of reassurance for me. And that's okay cause I wasn't looking for it. I trusted you because I felt that it was okay to trust you (could be considered third risk). I thoroughly let down my guard and rolled with it. You hear it, you jackass, I was rolling with you.
And let's just say that demanding reassurance or acting up when one doesn't get it is not the way to get it. In fact, the negative energy this creates gets the type of response that makes all the fears come true. The tone is everything when it comes to expressing something personal. Aggression has no place with intimacy.

So the best we can do is trust the person day by day and be open to receiving whatever type of reassurance they are providing. Or another way to increase affection is to increase our own affection toward them. I do not know whether others take this approach but it certainly makes sense to me. It didn't help that your angry tone and demeanor resembled much too closely my dad's. It's hard to make love to a man that reminds me of dad, you know?

Oh, and speaking of parents I feel what I am about to say you really need to hear:
no one, i repeat NO ONE, will ever give you the type of unconditional reassurance as your mother had done.

It's a very sad fact of life but we must realize it and begin finding comfort in other affections. This is where I am in my life. I am done with my past and I have realized that everything in life comes to an end so I am happy about my present, and I want to be with someone who is right at the forefront of this same journey with me.

That being said, I am so very happy that we got to spend time together and get to know each other and I really do hope we can be friends. I know how much you hate that concept right now but perhaps one day you will see what a gift it really is.

And speaking of gifts, I am enclosing a photo for you. Not only do I recall that you had casually asked for it but it also happens to be my favorite picture of you.

Fondly and affectionately,
The Czarine