INSOMNIAC'S LAMENT

 I don't know why I can't sleep well lately. First I'm hot then I'm just not tired, then I start thinking about the previous day's events... and him.

The good news is that my 'crush' phase is officially over. Phew. Thank goodness for that. Sans this nuisance I am able to more clearly assess the situation. 

First, I believe that it is mostly physical what we have. It's pleasant and a shame at once. It's only so fulfilling, bittersweet, a touch of curry in a pot too big. 

And I wonder if believing in something is really that bad? Sure there is merit to evidence-based living--it's important to be in touch with 'what is as is'--however, there is also plenty room for that outrageous 'what if' component that keeps us reaching beyond ourselves. Here's a piece of evidence, scientists have still not unfurled the mystery of what cells are made of ... as far as they can tell a large proportion of all that is, is unexplainable dark matter. So let's not walk around like we know it all just cause we choose to limit the scope of our vision. It keeps things simple and is a cop-out. 

And how does love play out for an atheist? Is it just a chemical-reaction-induced response to another? And if so is this true of all emotions? Possibly. And yet we must choose to give in to the feeling or not. Not so clean cut, my dear. Intelligence is valuable and so is emotional maturity--and in this case the word 'maturity' can be misleading, as it means having the ability to feel more fully as opposed to more reservedly which is what unfortunately happens to many people with time, and so they confuse the two terms. As I grow older, I find myself wanting to feel MORE not less. More intensely, more thoroughly, and for sustained periods of time. Some call it crazy or brave, I call it experience.

It is giving in to feeling love that makes us feel alive. Loving for love's sake. Accepting a situation as is while maintaining a certain sense that anything may still be possible. And did I mention how good it is to be done with the 'crush' cause it makes one needy and it's never a good idea to want something from another yet so sweet when they give it of their own accord, like you do them, because they LIKE feeling with you. 

Nope, still no chance at sleep. The minutes on the clock go 10... 11.... 12.... 13