FeMiNa JUNE 20 2009 Press Release

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FeMiNa JUNE 20 2009 Press Release

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Dear A,

Please don't delete me or scorn at me. I'm sending you this as a friend. No other reason. I've no plans to come to New York yet so my contact is not for these reasons either. I was actually watching my little Siberian cats at play (yes these are my latest additions) and many of their playful movements (stretching their legs and twisting their little bodies on my bed) was so like th movements you made when you were with me I just had to contact you. Very clever; very artful and dare I say it. Yes I will. Very sexy. There you have it.

So after noticing this similarity I could not stop myself thinking how sad it was that our friendship just evaporated like that. I think your comments were still a little insulting and they came out of nowhere. I'm still confused over it. However I'm prepared to overlook them for the sake of having you back as a friend.

Emotions and situations change I know. You may well be in a relationship of somesort and would like to see the back of me. And maybe I would not blame you.

Anyway if you are prepared to be in contact and re-instate me in your contacts then how are you Anna? How's work. How is your Art and how is your career in performing in music?

As for me, apart from my lovely dear little cats I have been diagnosed with abnormally high blood pressure and am now on daily medication for it. This means not much if any alchohol for me or of those nice little cakes.
Respond if only you want to A.

Your friend

L

Sweet L, As always you pleasantly surprise me with your email and make me smile.

I'm not mad at you. In fact, I don't even remember why I got upset last time (and would advise you not to remind me. lol) so please forgive me for any insults that I may have thrown your way. My fiery passionate side sometimes gets the better of me, and I would like to take you up on the offer to reinstate our friendship. You are truly one of a kind. :^J

So you got Siberian cats... it was inevitable I guess; first you clearly have a fetish with things Russian (possibly my fault), then you are a lion after all and they, your minions. Try not to react to their movements in the same way that you did to mine though... I'm pretty sure that stuff is illegal even in the UK. hahaha I forgot how much fun it is to bust your chops... ;^J Tell me more about them please... names, personalities, photos?

On a more serious note, I'm sorry to hear about your high blood pressure. My grandma struggled with it much of her life. She was overweight which you are not, but alot of it is also stress... have you been feeling particularly stressed about things?? What's new with me since we last spoke.... I got a promotion and a raise at work... which were unexpected in light of current state of the economy. When Obama got elected I allowed myself a little smugness in the face of all those who told me that 'America is not ready for a black president'... AND he's doing a smashing job.

Been to Miami in Feb, going to Atlanta in early May, might visit Moscow over the summer and a friend of mine is getting married in Mexico in September so I need to look into that. Ladytron's 'International Dateline' just came on the radio. Love that song. Brits have some of the best bands out right now. Lily Allen's new album kicks butt and of course The Blow, The knife, The Ting Tings ... list goes on!!! There are some exciting new musical possibilities on the horizon for me too and I wrote a new song over the weekend in fact, reacting to some new dating insights per my recent experiences. I have enough material for a book, I tell ya, you alone might take a chapter **wink**.

Fondly, A

My lovely A

You made my day. Once again! How do you do it? I'm very happy we are back on track again and any negative vibes of the past have now evaporated into thin air. There you are.

I'm pleased for you at work. Getting a raise and more importantly a promotion is wonderful. You fully deserve it. This is only by knowing how focused and dedicated you are. It would be interesting to work with you. Even more so that as you put it, in this economic climate it's so encouraging to hear of promotions and raises. Well that's you my sweet A, going "against the grain". If only there were only more like you around. The world would be a much nicer place.

You are indeed passionate about many things and this is certainly one of the many things I find attractive about you. What I also love is the way in which you love your own body. This is very much a turn on for me. Just sitting here writing this and thinking of you and making those Sexy "feline" poses turns me on so much. It's so not fair we are 3,500 miles apart. Still I'm working on getting back out to New York. Since the economy, in the Design, Art and Antiques market took a bit of a "nose dive" I have been sourcing Interior design markets in the Far East, Middle East and Russia. I'm presently working on a huge project with a London Interior Designer for a large mansion in Moscow. It will keep us very busy during the summer months. Anyway because of the economy in the USA I have been held back at home base to push business in the UK and France. It's working but I so desire to get back to New York. I am still pushing to get there by this summer. I'll make sure I don't go when you are away as I'd absolutely love to see you my "Russian Princess". If you ever fancy a trip to Paris let me know also.

As for my blood pressure. I just found out that my Mother had it when she was only 30 years old. Well thanks Mum for telling me so I could have myself checked out some time ago. I'm on 2 tablets a day medication and since being on them for over a month now I have to say that I feel very much more alive now. I can feel the difference and I was totally unaware I had a problem before it was detected. I was suffering from a lot of headaches before and I can only assume it was due to my blood pressure being high. I can't drink much alchohol and eat too many fatty foods. Apart from that I am fine though and if anything more lively now, which makes me think very fondly and excitedly about you!!!

And my lovely cats. They are Basil and Gustav (as in Gustav Klimpt). They are little terrors and continually jump around my house playing and fighting with each other. I love them though and never thought I would be so attached to cats. But then they are Siberian and that's different!

I'm pleased to hear you are still being artistically creative. The book sounds interesting. Don't you think you may need a little more time with me to complete your chapter? Anything to help my friend complete her literature! wink wink!! As for music I to like the Ting Tings. They were singing live recently at the Brit awards in London with Estelle (whom I don't like) but the TT's were excellent.

By the way I'm doing work for Madonna right now. I was introduced to her agent in London and I have been handling M's moving from her home in the English countryside she shared wiht Guy Richie and moving her items into our storage. She's interesting to work for. Forever changing her mind. Of course I'm still trying to belt out a few notes of my own. I thought seriously about writing my own song but really need time and space to do it. I recently took up singing lessons also, which is purely for fun and which I only have time to do every 2 - 3 weeks but it helps me and the operatic singing teacher is very good and sweet.

Okay sweetheart I'd better crack on as it were with my work and feel so much better we are friends again. I'll work on coming out to NY and will hold the lovely thoughts of you dancing in my room. Yum yum!

Be good and inventful KissesL X

:YEAH RIGHT

It's all ME isn't it? Nice way out, buddy. That's why I called you a jerk and a coward. A jerk because you should've spoken to me as soon as you were having doubts seeing that you knew I am looking for a relationship not any casual affair; that would've been the gentlemanly thing to do, and the opposite of gentleman is jerk. A coward, because you found every reason in the book not to feel some love and affection toward me. I mean, ANY love or affection until I pass all these tests you've determined will bring you the ideal woman to help you be a father, and you know what, you under-estimated me because you are a half-empty glass kinda guy. I woulda been best friends with your girl not only because I'm a professional woman but because I'm real.  It's the reason most kids like me. I'm not hiding anything. Unlike you, who puts his best face forward only to reveal less and less... and an artist who is afraid to show himself is the worst coward of all. 

If you had gradually revealed yourself to me you would've had the world! and instead you're back to being almost 50 and alone just like all the subjects in your photos set against a life-worn texture in sepia tones. In my art creations, your influence takes on shades of white, blue, with splatters of red, and many terrible words that you uttered to me when I was most vulnerable.

Here's a clue: Stop sabotaging relationships with women who genuinely like you. Have a nice life f***head! Now you learned something too. Maybe.

OLIVE BRANCH

She: Hi T, are you still angry with me?

(3 days later)

He: Hi A, I am not angry. But I have to say u handled the whole thing very badly and all I know is that you are not the girl for me. This I am certain. Your basically a good person who has a lot to offer so I know you will find your guy. I’m just not him.
Good luck with your search. Best, T

She: Thank you for the reply T. It was hurting alot to imagine that you wouldn't care enough to reply to me. So thank you for being considerate, it means alot. It saddens me greatly to hear that you are so convinced that I am not the right girl based on the short and very intense time we spent together. It feels so unfair since all you saw are fragments here and there but I understand that the long-distance aspect was something you were struggling with from the start. I also felt like I was being 'tested' alot and I wonder what feedback you would've gotten if you had just been present and let yourself feel before judging, but that's neither here nor there. Do I have alot to learn? Yes. In hindsight, should I have gone back on Match as I did? NO! But to completely discount what we had because of one mistake is a very judgemental attitude that I too used to have until I learned to be more forgiving in general. So maybe this is some form of Karmic lesson. Now I know how much it sucks on the receiving end and I accept it. Thank you for this valuable lesson.

TEXT ROMANCE

DEC 31 2008
(following two dates... no physical contact)

He: Hi you, have a great time ringing in the new year. I believe nature has a magical experience planned for us on Saturday. I say we elect to not interfere. You?

She: Thanks H. May your celebrating be just as merry. Not sure what natural surprise you speak of, care to share?

He: Nature has the answer, but if you have to question, perhaps I was wrong... unless ur being frisky :-)

She: Nature may have the answers, but people should be more direct. I'm not being frisky. What are you hiding?

He: I'm not a hider; I'm a show-er. In fact, I plan on showing you my portfolio, and perhaps, other things. Maybe you'll have things to show me as well.

She: Anything is possible but I still do not understand how all that relates to nature's plans... i'm only trying to understand you H. Less riddle more fact please.

He: Unfortunately I'm not a fortune teller. I'm simply sharing with youthe idea that, when people with chemistry get together, magical moments are born of nature.

She: And especially on Saturday??? Your sentiment sure is true in a general sort of way but can you understand why I didn't understand? It's also possible we don't have as much chemistry as needed to understand ;^P
He: Possible, but it doesn't prohibit me from mustering the interest to find out. You?

She: You shouldn't have to muster interest for anyone. Me, I have to admit I'm lukewarm about the idea of us which means alot of work for you. Why don't we take some time and not overthink this. Let me just clarify that I think you are a good 'catch' even if not quite right for me.

He: Would you be a dear and pass the phone to the lady I spent a lovely Saturday night with? Oh, wait, I just remembered you're a Gemini.

She: I'm still the same lady and yes a Gemini. And if you asked me these questions in person at the end of the night I would've answered the same way except you would hear my tone... which is friendly. It's not easy finding the right companion and neither one of us should be mad for trying.


No futher contact until....
JAN 7 2009

He: I'm not expecting any miracles but I'm forever in awe of them... Would u like to kiss, then maybe shortly afterwards, have sex with me?

She: Nope.

STRAIGHT-JACKET

HIM: got you in my match mailbox today....you went back on? I have no idea what is going on but my advice to you is if you have an assumption about someone please check it out with them... Hope you have a great day. I am sorry you feel this way.

HER: what do you expect? I still like you and frankly don't have the enthusiasm to go on a date with anyone else right now but based on our last weekend and followup conversation I decided to keep my options open. If my assumptions are wrong then perhaps you can communicate to me how so. Btw, I was very clear about needing some reassurance. I did try to speak to you and your feedback was that I'm overthinking and making it about myself. How is that supposed to make me feel? or in other words, what advice would you give your daughter, if some guy she likes told her that when she tried to talk to him.

HIM: I would help my 11 year old daughter.. A full grown mature professional woman is another story... I was very clear regarding what I was dealing with and frankly the way you have handled this says volumes... Good luck with your search on Match.

HER: you've been looking for a way out for quite some time. 12 yo girls and professional women have alot more in common than you seem to realize. Good luck to you too.

HIM: Your assumptions are ridiculous... you are the only one looking for a way out here...Very sad how you are dealing with things.

HER: You are judging me very harshly. My assumptions are ridiculous only because some of your statements to me were ridiculous. If you really care and believe that what we have is special then let's talk about it like adults over the phone or face to face. I didn't go back on Match to hurt you ... my genes made me do it!

HIM: Sorry but I need someone who I don’t have to hand hold on days I am very busy. I need someone who will be there for me and help me be a good parent. I need someone with loads of emotional intelligence - given I have a kid. Like I said it truly freaks me out the way you have handled this whole thing. I have to go, very behind with all this fair stuff. I just cant believe you pulled this crap right now... I need to think about all this and this week I just don’t have the time. Don’t plan on seeing me while I am in NYC as I am truly bummed by this - but better to know now then later. Have a great week and weekend.

LETTER 4X

Dear So and So,

I hope this package finds you in a comfortable state of calm and well being. With some time to myself as well I have had the opportunity to think this through and arrive at some sense and meaning to our experience together as it relates to the bigger picture of what we were doing.

First and foremost, our best. We put our best feet forward truly. Secondly, finding happiness in each other, understanding what a nice gift we were given. The rest is, well, timing really.

If we were to try this after you have had a significant separation from your wife (post divorce) or if I had been in that place where I want to help someone climb from such a complex situation then we could have been a perfect fit. But I'm not in that place. I've been there in my last relationship and it is much too draining to go through again.

What you wanted more than anything from me is reassurance. Well, honey, let me tell you, when it comes to matters of the heart there is no reassurance except the kind that comes through the test of time. What you got from me was tons of reassurance in the form of always being available. Sharing your hobbies with you. Helping you out where I could. and most importantly the fact that I made an exception for you despite TWO big risks I was undertaking. You still being married AND you working for the same employer. I don't think there is anything comparable you had done as a form of reassurance for me. And that's okay cause I wasn't looking for it. I trusted you because I felt that it was okay to trust you (could be considered third risk). I thoroughly let down my guard and rolled with it. You hear it, you jackass, I was rolling with you.
And let's just say that demanding reassurance or acting up when one doesn't get it is not the way to get it. In fact, the negative energy this creates gets the type of response that makes all the fears come true. The tone is everything when it comes to expressing something personal. Aggression has no place with intimacy.

So the best we can do is trust the person day by day and be open to receiving whatever type of reassurance they are providing. Or another way to increase affection is to increase our own affection toward them. I do not know whether others take this approach but it certainly makes sense to me. It didn't help that your angry tone and demeanor resembled much too closely my dad's. It's hard to make love to a man that reminds me of dad, you know?

Oh, and speaking of parents I feel what I am about to say you really need to hear:
no one, i repeat NO ONE, will ever give you the type of unconditional reassurance as your mother had done.

It's a very sad fact of life but we must realize it and begin finding comfort in other affections. This is where I am in my life. I am done with my past and I have realized that everything in life comes to an end so I am happy about my present, and I want to be with someone who is right at the forefront of this same journey with me.

That being said, I am so very happy that we got to spend time together and get to know each other and I really do hope we can be friends. I know how much you hate that concept right now but perhaps one day you will see what a gift it really is.

And speaking of gifts, I am enclosing a photo for you. Not only do I recall that you had casually asked for it but it also happens to be my favorite picture of you.

Fondly and affectionately,
The Czarine

HOW MUCH HOPE IS .01% CHANCE?

Picture a ball of fuzz caught and lifted by a drift. It rides the tides in full submission to a will greater than itself while onlookers assert "look at that crazy fuzz loop-de-looping around our heads". Now the fuzz, while having no choice in the matter of where it is taken, has infinite options of interpreting the experience in a way much more profound than onlookers.

"it's nice to be able to talk about art", he said

Ah, the story of inspiration.

To be afraid of the wind at this stage would be counter-productive; to accept it without question, counter-intuitive; and so in between parantheses the fuzz roams free until an eyelash, also swept up by the breeze, bumps against his well- cushioned self. As complete strangers they feel unexpectedly comfortable together--like looking into a mirror--and as long as they stay within the parantheses there is plenty of play.

"why couldn't he wait until date number THREE?", asserts one in jest. "i wanted to see that .01 percent chance of it working", expressed the other.

Such they danced and danced without legs, anxiety only so often meeting doubt to throw them slightly off balance. In a healthy way... probably.

lalalala lalalala

INSOMNIAC'S LAMENT

 I don't know why I can't sleep well lately. First I'm hot then I'm just not tired, then I start thinking about the previous day's events... and him.

The good news is that my 'crush' phase is officially over. Phew. Thank goodness for that. Sans this nuisance I am able to more clearly assess the situation. 

First, I believe that it is mostly physical what we have. It's pleasant and a shame at once. It's only so fulfilling, bittersweet, a touch of curry in a pot too big. 

And I wonder if believing in something is really that bad? Sure there is merit to evidence-based living--it's important to be in touch with 'what is as is'--however, there is also plenty room for that outrageous 'what if' component that keeps us reaching beyond ourselves. Here's a piece of evidence, scientists have still not unfurled the mystery of what cells are made of ... as far as they can tell a large proportion of all that is, is unexplainable dark matter. So let's not walk around like we know it all just cause we choose to limit the scope of our vision. It keeps things simple and is a cop-out. 

And how does love play out for an atheist? Is it just a chemical-reaction-induced response to another? And if so is this true of all emotions? Possibly. And yet we must choose to give in to the feeling or not. Not so clean cut, my dear. Intelligence is valuable and so is emotional maturity--and in this case the word 'maturity' can be misleading, as it means having the ability to feel more fully as opposed to more reservedly which is what unfortunately happens to many people with time, and so they confuse the two terms. As I grow older, I find myself wanting to feel MORE not less. More intensely, more thoroughly, and for sustained periods of time. Some call it crazy or brave, I call it experience.

It is giving in to feeling love that makes us feel alive. Loving for love's sake. Accepting a situation as is while maintaining a certain sense that anything may still be possible. And did I mention how good it is to be done with the 'crush' cause it makes one needy and it's never a good idea to want something from another yet so sweet when they give it of their own accord, like you do them, because they LIKE feeling with you. 

Nope, still no chance at sleep. The minutes on the clock go 10... 11.... 12.... 13