with faint embrassment i must admit that i am 35 and absolutely no good at relationships. The bad news is that I invested alot of time and energy into developing personal relationships with friends and lovers that crashed and burned as surely as GWB's presidency despite my best efforts and intentions and as I contemplate what happened and what I could've, should've, would've done differently given a chance, the better question is: what does this mean? where do I go from here with this realization as my ally?
You can thank me later for sparing you the tedious details of my journey and subsequent arrival at this conclusion: BEING FREE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN THE FEAR OF GOING THIS LIFE ALONE
One insightful ex told me once his theory on relationships... people don't marry until they start losing their life mojo and snatch up the first person ready to take them before they fall completely apart. In other words, desparation drives people together.
This would explain why so many married people are miserable even b4 the children come along for the ride, and frankly I'd rather be single than bound to someone who is with me solely out of desparation, plus I'm not interested in giving birth.. but I digress.
This blog is the love-child of my realization that being free is what I care about most and the raison d'etre for my existence and I shall begin recording this experience via this blog so that one day people can laugh at what a fool I am while secretly harboring envy and living vicariously through my experiences.
10 comments:
"No fate but what we make our own" This is true what you say, but I believe that the courage to always grow, learn, be intimate and love oneself is the key to relationships... Hang in there girl! When you give up trying to find it - it will fall in your lap.
Did you steal that blog from my mind....I swear I was thinking that exact same thing a few days ago. ;-)
In reply to irv1n88's comment: yes! I did. Your mind is my idea-7-11!!
Well, we each have our own path. Freedom is very important to me too, but freedom in relationships is possible. Not everyone's path is to relate with other people, but to me it is my life path.. it is a journey I must take. And I know through this relating and being in a relationship I will grow in ways I would never grow alone. Not everyone settles for the purpose of not being alone, but sometimes we change our mind about what we want out of life and what we want out of a partner.
I am trying not to be put off by the despiration or loss of life mojo being what leads to marriage. My personal experience falls in with a lot of cliches as well. When my husband and I were dating I had a hard time imagining life without him, we fit very well together, in sync in so many ways, we offer great balance to each other, each having strentghs where the other has weakness and even to steal a line from "As good as it gets". He makes me want to be a better woman. When out as single girl, I would see a cute boy and it was more of animal instincts "I wanna get me some of that" which can be fun too. It's our anniversary today, so I am a bit more emotional, but marriage can be great, and the kids are pretty cool to.
it's true. Life is cyclical and there is no telling what the future holds. All we can do is follow out instincts as we go. I haven't given up on love... i love love... but it's time to accept that i cannot control it and so my energies must go where i can.
thanks everyone for commenting. I love this dialogue. It helps...
Juliet (who you met at Keren's going away party on Sunday) said to me today:
"It sounds cliche but I feel so free. A little lonely, but free."
I told her I feel the same. We both agreed that we like it that way.
I am low on work today, so I figured I'd be a terrific employee and read your blog posts :-). Reading this post reminds me of my single years - some of the most important (and strengthening) years of my life! With the exception of one failed long term relationship (3 years), I spent most of my adult life unattached. My motto was never settle and always be self sufficient. I wasn't going to be that insecure, lonely woman who settled for whoever showed interest in her and I wasn't going to be financially dependent on anyone else! I would be lying if I said I was never lonely or financially overwhelmed (one bedroom apartments in Astoria aren't cheap!)... of course I had my moments. However, I learned to thoroughly enjoy time with myself and I became completely self sufficient. I believe accomplishing such things is an imperative step to developing a strong, confident personality. When a relationship is formed between two confident, self sufficient individuals it is a totally different experience than one formed out of desperation. You know what you want and you're not willing to settle. Neither one of you is completely dependent on the other. Rather, you learn from each other, you strengthen each other, and you respect each other's independence. Whenever my friend's come out of relationships (especially friend's who have a tendency to jump from bf to bf), I encourage them to spend some time alone and most importantly not to settle! Being single can be a beautiful experience! Embrace it but also don't give up on the possibility of a rewarding relationship.
Allow me to further entertain then, seeing that you have some time to spare, by saying that I couldn't agree more on the issue of doing whatever it takes to build a stronger character in order to attain the type of satisfying partnership and companioship that we deserve.
This last relationship for example taught me just how important it is for me to be with someone who is ultra self-aware. At least as much as I am, because anything less is just plain cruel for both parties. LOL For example, one of the things that drew me to my last man was his integrity. I've known him through work for many years and he comes across very confident and fair and the way he spoke when we went on our first date indicated that integrity is one of his biggest criteria in life. A criteria he is proud of cultivating in himself and a quality he seeks in hi levels with those whom he is to become closer.
Here's the funny part, he can be so judgemental of people when they do not live up to his standards and yet, when all was said and done with us at least, he acted with very little integrity. He pursued me before being divorced from his wife assuring me it was over, talking endlessly about all the wrongs (they DID have a very dysfunctional deal going)--integrity would dictate that he would be legally separated and divorced from his wife before pursuing another woman. To make a long story shorter, he didn't even see what a hypocrite he was. How what he described on our first dates was very mis-aligned with his personal reality thus leading me down a path of untruths.
Another thing I discovered that I really need is sexual compatiblity. I can always enjoy sex to an extent in any circumstance cause I like sex, but I do alot better with more than just 'ok', and I no longer believe that deeper personal feelings will always resolve issues in the bedroom like I used to. If the sexual connection is going to be off, might as well just be friends.
Darling, as you've learned, if you're miserable (or desperate), you're not doing it right. While I am thoroughly enjoying my own experience, I think there is a tiny piece of all of us longing for that freedom you make the most of with such flair. myself included. Enjoy the ride!
Post a Comment