EATING THE CLOUD: REFRAIN

Dear Friends, who come out and support my artistic pursuits, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank thee. For art without a participating audience, is like a tree falling in an earless forest, and you are my eyes, and ears, and neurons that react.

Happy Holidays to you all and may your wishes come to fruition one by one starting..... TODAY!

XO:^J

DISSONANCE

Ever felt as though slowly drifting away from the daily tedium in mind, while the body perfuncturily goes on about its business. That is what happens, over time, to many folks. Some call it an identity or mid-life crisis but I call it 'reality dissonance'. A condition where one lives a life that is no longer consistent with their spirit (if it ever was).

You see, the self reacts to this incongrous existence by planting discontent in small doses and so it is with me now especially as I am getting ready for the launch of a creative venture and do not care about anything that is not of the creative realm in which I am wholly myself.

How long can one go on living a double life. Is tolerance infinite. What stands between me and my true self reality.

I take another sip of my corporate coffee and cry warm tears inside as I thank the universe for continuing to provide for me a living in this most unpredictable uncertain time.

Life after death

Perhaps more perplexing than witnessing a fellow dead-person getting their skull bitten into, was the loss of trust toward this other ravenous fella. Sure I wanted him to get that bitch off my back but did not see THIS coming at all.

So disillusined and frightened I became that I fled as he was feeding lest he turn his attention toward me when done. Walking was not enough and after taking a few conspicuous sideways steps I began to will myself to fly. It was harder than I remembered, having been a long time since I last flew, but I willed myself nonetheless and kept willing until I began to soar toward and beyond the powerlines. The deserted city block. The ominous confusion of the lost souls left behind. Until I reached an indoor gathering where civility appeared in tact even as I did not quite put down my skepticism armor.

It was here that I observed a young fellow handing another a pill and a beverage with a smile and the words: "this will make it better." The pill was soon after washed down and sure enough the room grew airier, brighter; the ceilings taller; and along with sparkingly extravagent 17th century attire, the young man acquired long curls and a magnificent pair of wings.

Now THIS is how I imagine afterlife to be--an eternal costume ball, i thought, and relaxed for the first time since dying.

EATING the CLOUD

The idea of doing it paralyzed my sense of righteous disbelief. The actual doing felt much more complicated than that.. and pleasant. The dessert menu listed "cloud cookies". "Do you suppose they are cookies shaped like clouds or clouds shaped like cookies?" I asked, but by then the answer didn't matter because outside the rain was coming down in sheets and the clouds were more likely to eat US than the other way around.


What does 'eating the cloud' mean to you?

Cynical Hopefuls

Ever so innocently I replied to a mass email from someone I barely know which praised the McCain-Palin ticket (mostly Palin) and I have to admit that coming so close with to this far right Christian collective shocked me. Sure, hypothetically, I understand these people are 'out there' I just never imagined that anyone I know knows them--or is related to them for that matter. Then again, I just learned that out of America's 300M population, about 75% are Christians. It's the largest religious group in this country and has grown at a rate of about 5% every five years.

What got under my skin, were the extreme comments such as 'Christians built this country' (i beg to differ, all the immigrants & enslaved did the actual building) as well as the strong pro-life sentiment. I wish we would let them have their way and drop off all the unwanted and uncared for children at their doorsteps. Let's see how they like the world they've created. It can be counted as extra-credit within their creationism curriculum.

Don't get me wrong, I have respect for all religious groups to practice as they wish privately but when the fate of this nation (and mine) hangs in the whim of extremists in any robe, it eats away at my sense of freedom and joy. For how can a diverse community thrive with anything other than impartial justice?

This obssession with our political process and the sometimes closed-minded inhabitants of this nation, make me want to go make out with someone for a while just to forget my troubles. What is it about a good kiss that has such transformative power.

True freedom is: asking for a kiss when you want one.

BACKWARD RUNNING...

All eyes were on the three finalists approaching the finish line. The covered tunnel was lined with paparazzi as the leader turned the curve... Hillary Clinton (beaming) was doing what none of the others were.. she was running. And she knew it. "I'm the only one running" she exclaimed as she passed us all and what's more she was running backwards. "Yes," I thought "there is alot of fire there still" as she entered the main hall where the people cheered and rewarded her resolve & commitment. "Only SHE can get away with it!"

BAD ATM, BAD!

The sky was a beautiful deep indigo and vast above the tree tops in the distance. The stars... so many stars... shone and twinkled brightly and the longer we looked the more we observed a cluster of them begin to take specific shape. A very specific shape. The body, the bow, the tail all clearly defined. "I've never seen stars define the subject so exactly" I told the person to my left (the only other witness to this natural spectacle). Sagittarius. The archer. Mutable and Fiery. Sitting poised and ready to strike an arrow of knowledge and adventure into the sky and reverie into our hearts.

Just then a helicopter flew across the sky and released a fiery object over a building in the distance. The object descended in what seemed like slow motion and exploded upon contact. We then saw many other such objects begin their descent and started to panic. 'here we go running around' i thought to myself as I watched people mildlessly scatter (where did they all come from?), my instincts dictated we run further into the forest while my consort ran right to the middle of the clearing. Stupid indeed, as we got picked up by an unfriendly cabby who drove us away in what was most likely a hijacking.

There is a strange bitterness in my mouth after eating. Even now, after my morning bagel I can taste it. At first I thought it was a 3-day tunafish salad sandwich I ate yesterday and hoped I won't get sick, but then, at night, it happened again after eating several squares of pineapple white chocolate and now again. What is this?

A young woman wearing a tropical print mini skirt and white cami, was not getting what she wanted out of the ATM. "This is a bad ATM", she said, "a very bad ATM".

Laughing all the way to the Bank (of the river)

When Palma invited me to come out to a workshop titled 'laugh & grow rich' my first response was 'will they try to MAKE me laugh?' because no one is worse at doing things on command than I ("dance, monkey, DANCE!!"). So when I signed up a couple of days later I did it for the experience. The adventure of trying something so off my activity grid will be interesting no matter what.

East West Yoga near Union Square is a clean and inviting space and having taken off our shoes we waited by the door for our guide to set up the room. He peeked his head out and invited us in where approximately ten mats were arranged in a circle, each with a towel and cushion. Laraaji NadAnanda, an amicable ex-comedian turned holistic guide, shared with us his journey of discovering and customizing laughter as a tool for grounding oneself in one's own body and we proceeded to take part in several exercises focusing on vibrating the pituitary, heart, and spleen.

As far as wholistic medicine goes, the positive effect of vibrations on organs that are responsible for production of hormones and red blood cells makes sense and if something as simple as deliberate laughter can help in stimulating them, heck, why not. [insert me laughing wild for no particular reason here]

The best part of the day, however, was a visit to East West's bookshop next door (Cat Yoga) where I purchased a portable wooden utensil set (no more using & discarding plastic forks from takeout) followed by a walk to Chelsea Piers where a rave party raged on the water to which we were not admitted for lack of tickets. We looked out over the crowd, letting the beat reverberate through us and reflecting on how tame and non-bouncy the audience appeared to be under the circumstances and after observing the beautiful sunset, we bounced back toward the meat packing district for a fine dinner al-fresco.

Note to all: goat milk cheese with marmalade of cherries & apples is a joy everyone should partake in at least once before dying.

Pregnant Women Get Brazilian Wax!

In the dream... he casually told me he had slept with another woman and my first reaction was knee-jerk indignation. He went on to explain that the woman--older, drunk, partying like a rockstar wherever he was earlier--wanted him really bad. She lay down and stuck out her butt and as I listened I realized I like hearing him tell me this. It's difficult to feign madness at something that is so natural to us all. Being desired and wanting to manifest that desire. The honesty of it made it acceptable and --as he was slowly and deliberately attending to my own needs as he spoke-- quite enjoyable.

What I have been doing for the past few years has been quite counter-intuitive to my basic tendencies toward desire and it's time to play the game differently.

"do you believe that playing games is inevitable?" I asked my cosmetologist as she applied a facial masque through gauze over my cheeks. "Yes" she replied with zero hesitation. "I don't like doing this and I wish it wasn't so but we do." The masque felt cool against my freshly squeezed skin, "when I met my husband I told him ' I don't want to be in a relationship. You see other people I see other people and if you meet someone special let me know and I will do the same.' That was in October, and by December he proposed."

This was food for thought almost as powerful as learning that pregnant women come in to get their Brazilian wax days before giving birth to avoid being shaved and having their hair grow back coarse. Honies, your kutch's density will be your last concern after becoming a mom!

Return to myself

with faint embrassment i must admit that i am 35 and absolutely no good at relationships. The bad news is that I invested alot of time and energy into developing personal relationships with friends and lovers that crashed and burned as surely as GWB's presidency despite my best efforts and intentions and as I contemplate what happened and what I could've, should've, would've done differently given a chance, the better question is: what does this mean? where do I go from here with this realization as my ally?

You can thank me later for sparing you the tedious details of my journey and subsequent arrival at this conclusion: BEING FREE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN THE FEAR OF GOING THIS LIFE ALONE

One insightful ex told me once his theory on relationships... people don't marry until they start losing their life mojo and snatch up the first person ready to take them before they fall completely apart. In other words, desparation drives people together.

This would explain why so many married people are miserable even b4 the children come along for the ride, and frankly I'd rather be single than bound to someone who is with me solely out of desparation, plus I'm not interested in giving birth.. but I digress.

This blog is the love-child of my realization that being free is what I care about most and the raison d'etre for my existence and I shall begin recording this experience via this blog so that one day people can laugh at what a fool I am while secretly harboring envy and living vicariously through my experiences.